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Talking to Your Parents About Independent Living this Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is full of hustle and bustle. Cooks are flying around the kitchen, children are watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in awe, and people are coming and going. At the end of the day, when the festivities slow down, maybe you start to notice some things.  

Maybe your parents’ house was a little less tidy before guests came over. Maybe the decorations weren’t as elaborate as in years past. Maybe the lawn is overgrown, or the Tupperware wasn’t clean and ready to go when the guests left like usual.  

Little changes are nothing to worry about, but if the feeling that something is “off” persists, it may be time to talk to your parents about a move to independent living, for a maintenance free life.    

What to do when something feels off with a loved one 

Telling your parents you are worried about them can be scary, especially when you plan to suggest senior living. Here are a few practical tips to prepare for the conversation. 

Pay attention to what feels different. If a sibling or close family member is also visiting, ask them if they’ve noticed anything and compare notes. A second opinion helps confirm what you are seeing. It could also give you a united front in the conversation. 

Give yourself some time to process before you bring anything up. An emotional reaction may lead to stress. It can turn this from a conversation to a confrontation. Give yourself a day or two to think through the approach. Finding the right words can help your parent or loved one be more receptive to a lifestyle change.  

Go in with a goal of understanding, rather than a final decision. The first conversation about downsizing is rarely the last. Go into this initial conversation with a goal of honesty, understanding, and care. Your loved one may be hearing about your concerns for the first time. This may be the first time they notice a difference in their own behavior or face their own fears about aging somewhere other than their home. 

Pick a private moment. Choose a time with no pressure, not during a meal or when someone is packing up the car to go home. Try to keep the location neutral and without company, so your loved one doesn’t feel cornered. 

How do I talk to my parent about moving to independent living? 

Share your observations. Share your observations about the things that feel off. Choose one or two things that feel the most impactful. If your loved one spent years collecting vintage decorations that didn’t make it out this year, share that. If they always took meticulous care of their garden, ask about the yardwork.  

Ask questions instead of making statements. Ask open-ended questions to understand what your loved one is thinking. These kinds of questions help invite conversation:  

• “Is there anything around the house that feels harder than it used to?” 

• “What matters most to you when you picture the next few years?” 

• “Have you thought about what you’d want if things changed down the road?” 

• “What would your ideal living situation look like?” 

Do not jump to solutions right away. Remember, this conversation is just to understand and to help. It will rarely end with looking at pamphlets and planning a move. Life changes take time. 

Expect a reaction and be prepared. 

If your loved one: 

• Is defensive: Do not argue with them. Reiterate that you care about them and just want to check in. You can still share your observations, but know that a solution is off the table at this time. 

• Changes the subject: Let it go for now. You can bring it up again later. Pushing harder in the moment rarely works. 

• Gets quiet or upset: Do not rush to fill the silence. Sitting with them in that moment can matter more than anything you say next. 

Keep your tone even and neutral. Don’t accuse, compare, or give ultimatums. You don’t want to make your loved ones feel like they’re being interrogated, confronted, or like they’re being pushed out of their home. Sometimes having a neutral party in the conversation can help. 

Prepare to have this conversation again. Life-changing decisions aren’t made in a single conversation. Your loved one will need time to notice their own behaviors changing, think about options, and decide what they want to do.  

In the meantime, pick one small thing to do that will make you feel like you’re taking a step forward. Maybe you research local options. Maybe you look for other solutions, like hiring someone to mow the lawn. Small steps add up, especially for your own peace of mind. 

When you are ready to talk through what a move could look like for your family, reach out to us. We are happy to help you figure out what comes next.